101 Degrees of Separation
When faced with the possibility of staying home alone with a sick infant, I'd rather drink Drano. At least it would end quickly. A sick infant means no rest, no time to talk on the telephone, no regular meals, no reading, no errands, no visits to or from others. Your only outside contacts are the pediatrician, who doesn't give enough specific advice, and your mother, who offers way too much advice.
I, on the other hand, have no magical healing advice for you. I do, however, humbly offer this list of twenty things to do when stuck at home with a sick baby:
1. Put on a stack of your favorite tunes and dance the baby around the room. Call it sick baby aerobics and wear work-out clothes so you feel as though you're getting something accomplished.
2. Set up a videocamera in the baby's room so you can share what your day was like with your husband when he comes home. Make him stay up all night watching it so he can get the full experience.
3. Listen to talk radio. Get incensed at the idiot guest and call in to yell at him when the baby is at her loudest. See how long it takes to get them to hang up on you. Try several different shows and compare hang-up times.
4. Call your mother and say, "The baby has been vomiting. I heard that feeding her chips and salsa is a good idea. What do you think?" When your hysterical mother arrives 30 seconds later, hand her the baby and go clothes shopping for three hours.
5. The next day, pull that trick on your mother-in-law. Get shoes to match the clothes you bought yesterday.
6. Design a surgical outfit from green plastic garbage bags. Include a surgical mask. Wear it when your husband comes home. Hand him a set and tell him the infectious disease clinic recommends you both wear this protective clothing whenever you're around the baby. See if he falls for it.
7. Write a country-and-western tune called, "My baby is ailing and our love is failing, so now I am bailing out."
8. Forget changing diapers every fifteen minutes. Haul the wading pool in to the TV room, let your baby hang out in it all day and just hose him off with warm water when necessary.
9. Watch soap operas all day. Then sue the networks for exposing your child to a dangerously addictive substance. Hire Mark Geragos as your attorney and call a press conference.
10. Call the pediatrician's office every half hour. Tell them the same symptoms but pretend you're someone else. See if their advice changes.
11. Test all your thermometers on yourself. Try the old-fashioned oral, the digital oral, the ear thermometer and the rectal. Record how widely they diverge.
12. Test your monitor. Put in fresh batteries and see how far away you can walk before you lose the signal from the nursery. Mark the spot with yellow paint for easy reference next time you need to get a breath of fresh air.
13. Build a Rube Goldbergian contraption to rock your baby to sleep using a rocking chair, a fan, a spaghetti ladle, a wind up toy and your husband's jock strap.
14. Compare the calming effects on your baby of a lullaby tape, a TV game show, opera, a Nelly CD and a 70's disco retrospective.
15. Try reading the newspaper to her in dramatic fairy-tale fashion. "Once upon a time, there was a CEO who cashed out $111 million in stock and got a $4 million bonus just before a federal investigation into overbilling." See whether that makes it any more interesting for you, too.
16. Write fan letters to the makers of Pedialyte. Ask them if they plan to come out with a strawberry daiquiri version.
17. Phone all the pharmacies in your area and see which ones will deliver. Then order two bottles of baby Advil, a jar of Vicks Vapo-Rub, the latest issue of People, a large pizza, a gallon of skim milk and a six-pack of beer.
18. Phone your husband at work when your baby is crying his loudest. Tell him you can't hear what he's saying but ask him to come home early and bring Chinese food. Insist on the vegetable dumplings.
19. Give him extra points if he brings flowers as well. Discreetly dismantle the Rube Goldberg automatic rocker before it shreds his jock strap.
20. Sleep deeply and instantly whenever your baby sleeps so you'll be rested when she wakes again.
I, on the other hand, have no magical healing advice for you. I do, however, humbly offer this list of twenty things to do when stuck at home with a sick baby:
1. Put on a stack of your favorite tunes and dance the baby around the room. Call it sick baby aerobics and wear work-out clothes so you feel as though you're getting something accomplished.
2. Set up a videocamera in the baby's room so you can share what your day was like with your husband when he comes home. Make him stay up all night watching it so he can get the full experience.
3. Listen to talk radio. Get incensed at the idiot guest and call in to yell at him when the baby is at her loudest. See how long it takes to get them to hang up on you. Try several different shows and compare hang-up times.
4. Call your mother and say, "The baby has been vomiting. I heard that feeding her chips and salsa is a good idea. What do you think?" When your hysterical mother arrives 30 seconds later, hand her the baby and go clothes shopping for three hours.
5. The next day, pull that trick on your mother-in-law. Get shoes to match the clothes you bought yesterday.
6. Design a surgical outfit from green plastic garbage bags. Include a surgical mask. Wear it when your husband comes home. Hand him a set and tell him the infectious disease clinic recommends you both wear this protective clothing whenever you're around the baby. See if he falls for it.
7. Write a country-and-western tune called, "My baby is ailing and our love is failing, so now I am bailing out."
8. Forget changing diapers every fifteen minutes. Haul the wading pool in to the TV room, let your baby hang out in it all day and just hose him off with warm water when necessary.
9. Watch soap operas all day. Then sue the networks for exposing your child to a dangerously addictive substance. Hire Mark Geragos as your attorney and call a press conference.
10. Call the pediatrician's office every half hour. Tell them the same symptoms but pretend you're someone else. See if their advice changes.
11. Test all your thermometers on yourself. Try the old-fashioned oral, the digital oral, the ear thermometer and the rectal. Record how widely they diverge.
12. Test your monitor. Put in fresh batteries and see how far away you can walk before you lose the signal from the nursery. Mark the spot with yellow paint for easy reference next time you need to get a breath of fresh air.
13. Build a Rube Goldbergian contraption to rock your baby to sleep using a rocking chair, a fan, a spaghetti ladle, a wind up toy and your husband's jock strap.
14. Compare the calming effects on your baby of a lullaby tape, a TV game show, opera, a Nelly CD and a 70's disco retrospective.
15. Try reading the newspaper to her in dramatic fairy-tale fashion. "Once upon a time, there was a CEO who cashed out $111 million in stock and got a $4 million bonus just before a federal investigation into overbilling." See whether that makes it any more interesting for you, too.
16. Write fan letters to the makers of Pedialyte. Ask them if they plan to come out with a strawberry daiquiri version.
17. Phone all the pharmacies in your area and see which ones will deliver. Then order two bottles of baby Advil, a jar of Vicks Vapo-Rub, the latest issue of People, a large pizza, a gallon of skim milk and a six-pack of beer.
18. Phone your husband at work when your baby is crying his loudest. Tell him you can't hear what he's saying but ask him to come home early and bring Chinese food. Insist on the vegetable dumplings.
19. Give him extra points if he brings flowers as well. Discreetly dismantle the Rube Goldberg automatic rocker before it shreds his jock strap.
20. Sleep deeply and instantly whenever your baby sleeps so you'll be rested when she wakes again.