Projectiles and Humiliations
I believe babies should come with this warning label: Product has the capacity to destroy civilization. My sweet five-week-old son’s true nature was revealed to us. He is a secret weapon capable of mass destruction. So far there are four known victims of his ability to emit waste material in the form of powerful projectiles in the past two weeks. It all began one night when the baby began crying. I ran down the usual checklist. Diaper? Dry. Hungry? Rejects nipple. Lonely? Won't be comforted. Gas? I held him in my arms and trekked in tight little circles, patting, massaging, rocking. I walked to my husband, who was washing up in the bathroom, held our son for him to see and said, "What do you think?" Then it happened. Projectile vomiting. It took barely two seconds and one burp. We were covered; only our eyes poked through. The walls, the floors, the window, the bathroom mirror dripped gobs of overcooked porridge-like goo in a 360* pattern. Miraculously, the Oriental rug w